Kicked Out

My dad has officially kicked me out of his house. Because I spent another night at my guy friend's house. I'm 20 years old and I can't even do stuff like this.

I have been crying all day long because I have no other options. My older sister who lives in California was going to help me out and come and get me tonight, but then she decided that it was an easy way out for me and that I should do this on my own. Thanks, sis. Helps me soooooo much. NOT.

I have applied for a nanny position in California. If I get hired, then I will definitely move, but then I will be leaving my friend. And I promised that I wouldn't let anything or anyone stand in my way of having a good relationship. I like him a lot and this is really hard for me. If only I had a good job with a good income, I would stay in town and find an apartment and everything will be great. But. I don't.

I have applied to sooo many places, I mean I even contacted anonymous places for anonymous donations and such. So far, no hits. Not even one little tiny hit. Ugghh!! I hate my town! It's so stinking jobless! If that even makes sense to you, because it makes perfect sense to me.

Honestly, I hope I don't move to California - it would be kinda nice, but on the other hand I don't want to leave my oldest and younger sisters and my adorable nephews and my guy friend. You know what, we're gonna call him Z.

I have packed all of my clothes already and all my bags are in the car.  And now I feel like crying again. Grrr! I've cried too much today and I'm surprised I have any tears left.

Please help me!!

this song makes me cry even more every time I listen to it. Which is like every time it ends I play it again. 

~Our memories will fade forever away~

*** 

~I'll sacrifice everything for you~

***

~This destiny is mine. Please don't take it away~

***

~It's the fear that holds me back from you~

***

~I can feel myself drifting away from this life~

***

~Tell me I'm frozen~

Late Again

I have been pretty busy for the past few days and extremely exhausted, so I haven't been writing. I guess that's really no excuse, but what can I say?

Not much has been happening - I've been trying to find a job, but with no success. Hopefully soon, I will find something. I need a job - I have so many medical bills to pay off.

Sadly, I haven't seen my friend since Sunday. He hasn't been feeling well and has been busy himself. Maybe tonight I'll get to see him. And if not, oh well.

Last night I decided that I wanted to make some music for my poems. I made some really good tunes, but they probably wouldn't go with my poems very well. I will try to share one of my favourite ones I made. I used Audio tool on my laptop. I really like it.

If you go to this link, it should play you Beats: http://www.audiotool.com/track/beats-TB5LOxtWf/

I hope you guys like it. I do. A lot.

Anyways!! I really don't have much to say. I'll share one of my poems with you guys. It's about my dog, Runner. He died a while ago. I miss him.

Best black boy,
Runner he was.
Obeyed every command
And was loyal to all.
When he was called,
He would run with a greeting.
Barking in joy, he would play with a ball.
Clever he was
Showing off his tricks.
He could sit down, lie down, and shake your hand.
We would say “Speak!” and he would bark in reply.
He loved water, and we’d bathe him in the sun.
After his bath, he would roll to get dry.

Soon he got old, and couldn't do much.
Morning would come, and he couldn't get up.
Zoë, his friend, would try to get him to play
But sore muscles made him stiff.
Ignoring his friend was a hard thing to do.
Nuzzling Zoë with his gray muzzle,
He would try to calm her prancing.
Losing his appetite, we couldn't make him eat.
Not even his favourite thing would he sniff.
When we said “Speak!” he would give a low, sad bark
Forgetting his tricks and what he could do.
Calling the vet, he told us what to do.
We loved him all the same, even if it was sad
To let him go.
Our best black boy is gone forever away.
Runner he was…
And Runner he’ll be.

Boring Day!

Absolutely nothing exciting happened today. All I did was work for my sister and see my absolutely adorable nephews and then come home and do laundry and cook supper for my dad.

However, tomorrow is my oldest sister's birthday and I want to do something really nice for her. I love my sister and would do anything for her. In fact, I would do anything for all of my sisters. Even though I rarely give hugs to my youngest sister, I love her. And even though I hardly ever see my older sister, I also love her.

They are my family and if anyone ever does anything to hurt them, they will have to deal with me. I love them so much I would lay down my life for them. Because absolutely NO one will ever lay a finger on them.

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there. ~Amy Li


I dedicate this song to my three sisters.

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion 

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sisters dearly and want to wring their necks at the same time, then you were probably an only child. ~Linda Sunshine

Reality

My reality is finally better than my dreams. I am falling in love with the most amazing person I have ever met. Words cannot describe my feelings - I get butterflies in my stomach as big as eagles every time I think about him.

"Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I smile at his every text message.

Love is the best feeling in the world.

I am finally happy and I will not let anyone stand in my way.

Fallin' For You - Colbie Caillat

"True love is when your heart and your mind are saying the same thing."

Leanna L. Bartram

Missed Days

I'm soo sorry! I haven't written in a few days - I have a lot to say, but I've been busy and kinda sick too.

A few days ago, I was looking through my emails and found poems I'd written in 2012 and 2013. Because I'd been through so much pain, all of my poems are sad. I will share one with you today - and maybe even one everyday until I have no more poems to share!

You taught me
When i couldn't love.

You showed me
When i couldn't feel.

Yet through it all
You forgot me.

When your heart broke,
I held you close to me,
Loving you the way i was taught.

I felt your pain,
The way you taught me to feel.

But i was forgotten.
You left me to never come back.

I never pictured me sitting
By your tombstone.
Tracing the letters of your name.

This poem I'd written after my birth father committed suicide a few days after I turned 18. I hadn't seen or heard from him since 2005. But after my uncle contacted my sister and me and told our father that all was well with us, he said that he didn't want anything to do with us. It broke my heart hearing this, but what could I do? He was in Russia and I in the US.

Anyways!!! Last night I went over to my friend's house - he and I have been hanging out quite a bit this past week. I really like him - he is very nice and well I like him!! 

We were watching movies, and I decided that I wanted to drink his brandy. A horribly terrible idea I have ever made! I didn't realise I had drank so much of it, but I was extremely sick. I hadn't eaten much yesterday either - and drinking brandy on top of an empty stomach is terrible. I was extremely dizzy and could barely stand on my own two feet. Fortunately, my friend was there with me throughout everything I was going through. He rubbed my back, brought me water and kept saying that it was ok. Everything will be ok. 

I spent the night at his place because I was in no condition to drive home. But in the morning I didn't have a hangover - he'd given me ibuprofen and I guess that helped. 

Right now my sister is messing with my hair and laughs at each outcome. In about an hour I'm going over to my friend's house again - I'm going to meet his sister and brother-in-law and there's going to be a barbecue. 

Well I have written and made up for the past two days, I hope to write some more today - later tonight, but I don't know if I will. Singing off, is your blogger, RussianPsych.

Edge of Glory - Glee

I don't usually listen to Glee songs, but there are a few that I like and my sister suggested that I post this song. 

Yesterday's Post

Hello! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday, but I was feeling sick and had a terrible headache. So I just went to bed. This post is for yesterday and I will write another one today.

Yesterday I had a good day. I did laundry and cleaned my room and the kitchen and tidied the rest of the house. Cooked a good supper and then I went over to a friend's place and we watched a horror movie - although it wasn't very horrifying, mostly suspenseful. In fact when I saw the preview, it was more horrifying than the actual movie. House at the End of the Street. Jennifer Lawrence is one of the main actors in it.

The movie was kinda slow in the beginning, but it had a very good plot twist towards the end. I will probably give it 4 stars just because Jennifer was in it - she is an amazing actress.

I also have found my very new favourite song yesterday. It's called Beautiful Nightmare by Skylar Grey. I like quite a few of her songs, but this is the first time I've heard of this one and may I say, I'm in love with it. I am going to share it. Enjoy!

Beautiful Nightmare Skylar Grey

Horror...

Today, I saw my very first horror movies - Insidious and Insidious 2. Some people say that they aren't very scary, but I got scared more times than I care to admit. You probably think "saw a horror movie for the first time? Geez, where was this girl raised?"

I've never really been interested in horror movies, it has always been and always will be guns and crime and sci-fi. But today, I decided that it's time I watched a horror movie. I don't know what made me decide that. And so I watched them. Let me tell you that I never want to be in that family's situation. If I was being haunted like that, I would most likely put myself out of misery and creepiness and fright. But I don't think I would leave my family. So I would stay and try to protect them as I possibly could.

I don't always believe that people being haunted or paranormal activities are real, but then of course I have never been in those situations and I hope to never be in one. I mean, come on, I haven't ever had a nightmare. Yet. Honestly, I hope I don't. I've had many bad dreams - probably at least 3 or 4 during a week and sometimes I wake up crying, but never a nightmare.

I guess I could say I'm lucky that I've never had a nightmare. But I don't know. It might depend on what I'm reading or watching - mostly watching because I don't read much.

However, I will say this: those two movies kept me on the edge of my seat. Err bed. Except I was lying down.. Whatever! They scared me. And I guess that's what counts for my first horror movies.

Insidious - Tiptoe through the Tulips

I think I'm falling...

I wouldn't be falling in love because I just met him, but it is falling - falling out of the clouds of hopelessness of never meeting someone. But he is the opposite of mean. He is decent and yes, handsome. I wouldn't call many guys handsome, but he is.

Maybe this time I won't screw anything up and actually be the person I am and not hold myself back and hide behind a wall of paranoia and fear of being hurt emotionally. I have always hidden myself behind that wall. I have been hurt too many times and I don't think I could survive another heartbreak.

I am just going let destiny (?) lead me in the right direction. Instead of following my foolish heart, I'm going to listen to that voice inside me and pursue the advice it gives me.

I don't have much to write tonight but I want to tell you that I am happier than last week.

I am going to share a Russian song today. Enjoy :)

Алсу - Я тебя не придумала

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day overall. Last night I was craving baklava - I really wanted some, but all of the grocery stores in town were out of it. How can that be? Out of such delicious goodness?! So when I got home, I went online and looked for a recipe. Made a list of the ingredients and went to bed.

This morning, after I got up and got dressed, I went to town and bought the ingredients. It was my first time making baklava, but let me tell you, after it was made... oh it was sooo good!! Words can't described the delicious sweetness that practically melted in my mouth. Oh wait.. they just did :p

If you love baklava as much as I do, I am going to post the recipe here

• 1 lb (16 oz) package of phyllo dough
• 1 lb of chopped nuts ( I did just walnuts, but you can experiment and add whatever nuts you like)
• 1 cup butter (I know, seems like a lot, but trust me, you're going to need it all, maybe even a bit extra)
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 cup water
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup honey (you can add more or less for a desired taste)

My first mistake was NOT thawing the phyllo dough the right way. Because I forgot to read the instructions on the box. Typical me. Anyway here are the directions for making the baklava...

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F(175 degrees C). Butter the bottoms and sides of a 9x13 inch pan.
2. Chop nuts and toss with cinnamon. Set aside. Unroll phyllo dough. Cut whole stack in half to fit pan. Cover phyllo with a dampened cloth to keep from drying out as you work. Place two sheets of dough in pan, butter thoroughly. Repeat until you have 8 sheets layered. Sprinkle 2 - 3 tablespoons of nut mixture on top. Top with two sheets of dough, butter, nuts, layering as you go. The top layer should be about 6 - 8 sheets deep.
3. Using a sharp knife cut into diamond or square shapes all the way to the bottom of the pan. You may cut into 4 long rows the make diagonal cuts. Bake for about 50 minutes until baklava is golden and crisp.
4. Make sauce while baklava is baking. Boil sugar and water until sugar is dissolved. Add vanilla and honey. Simmer for about 20 minutes.
5. Remove baklava from oven and immediately spoon sauce over it. Let cool. Serve in cupcake papers.

You don't have to serve it in cupcake papers. I didn't. My dad loved it. I am going to try and make it as often as I can - and the more I make it the better it will turn out every time! Anyway good luck and enjoy :) 

River Flows in You by Yiruma

Pain. Pain All Day

I hate my back. And my right shoulder. They are in constant pain. And I can't do anything about it. I've been to a chiropractor and a physical therapist.

One of two reasons my back hurts is I slipped and fell down the stairs at my dad's house sometime in April of last year. Wait, maybe it was March. Yes, March was when I slipped and fell down the stairs and had to go to Urgent Care. The doctor that saw me thought that I had fractured several bones in my back, but the x-rays only showed ripped muscles. I had to stay in bed for a week. I could hardly take a breath without being in so much pain. I needed help with everything. I also had to take two weeks off work. My back never healed properly and by the time August rolled around, I got into a car accident. Which was not my fault. Because I was driving in the left lane when a driver from the right lane decided to come into my lane, hit me on the right side - almost rolling over my car. The driver careened back into the right lane and hit another car. I wasn't visibly injured, just seriously shaken up. But all the progress I had made on getting my back better fell down the hole.

That's when I started physical therapy. Thankfully, I didn't have to pay a cent - the car insurance did. And now that I have been discharged from physical therapy, my back is in pain again. But not as much as it used to be. Oh, about the shoulder - it just started hurting out of the blue. A tendon. Connected to a muscle. Why. Must. This. Happen???!!!??

I'm done. For now :) I hope...

Burn Ellie Goulding

P.S. The songs that I upload here don't always relate to my posts. 

Busy Day

Today has been an incredibly busy day. I woke up around 10 am and got ready for work. Work meaning going to my mom's house and cleaning. I don't have a regular job. But I wish I did. I have been applying at different places in great hopes. But so far nothing. Nada.

After cleaning my mom's house, I had to go back home and get money from my dad so that I could go buy groceries for dinner. It took me going to two different grocery stores just to get a few things. I was getting very frustrated when I wasn't finding what I needed. I hate asking for help, but I finally had to, because I had rice cooking on the stove at home and no one was there to keep an eye on it. When I got home, I could smell that it had burned a little at the bottom, but thankfully it didn't leave a burnt taste to the rest of the rice. Anyway, I made rice with spicy curry. It was very delicious. Both my sister and dad liked it, so I was happy with that.

I wanted to clean a bit at my dad's house, but because of how late it was getting, I only had time to cook dinner. I hope on Sunday I will be able to do quite a bit of cleaning.

I think I sound incredibly lame right now, talking about cleaning and cooking. And what a busy day it was. For most people, there are busier days - working from early in the morning till late at night. Most days only seeing their loved ones for a few minutes. A shout out to those who are working hard to keep their family fed and clothed and giving them a roof over their heads. It takes every ounce of your energy to not get frustrated with your boss or a co-worker while also trying to please them.

I don't know who you are or where you live, but if you're reading this, I want to wish you a very wonderful working day the next time you go to work.

Daughtry Waiting for Superman

Chilling

Listening to music, re dying my hair black and just chilling. I bought a new phone today and a pair of  really cute boots. I'll have to post a picture of my boots when I find the right outfit to wear them with.

I feel happy today and just good in general. I'm getting my health back, soon I'm going to start daily exercising and hopefully eating more than 0 meals a day. I don't not eat on purpose. I forget. I either wake up too late and have to go somewhere right away, or just don't feel like eating. And then towards the evening I remember that I haven't eaten anything all day. I really need to do better about that.

Oh. And drinking more water.

I have to say, I've got some pretty awesome cats and a fool of a dog. He can be sweet, but mostly he's stupid and a beggar and a spoiled disobedient brat. I will post pictures of my pets.

Above: Allie

Far Left: Sasha

Middle: Chase

Far Right: Simba

Bottom: Sunny

Sunny is my sweet baby girl. She's very talkative and very lovable. She is my everything and I have no idea what I would do without my Sunshine. Simba is a girl, despite her name. We thought she was a boy when we first got her, so we named her Simba. Allie only comes to out house once a night for a couple hours and then goes right back out. Our beautiful Sasha has adopted one of our neighbours. I haven't seen him in a while and I miss him. And Chase is Chase. He is a flat-coat retriever. Very beautiful but also as I've said before, very naughty. 

It's time for me to wash out the dye out of my hair. Adiós amigos! 

Daughtry Home

Frozen

Have you guys seen the movie Frozen? I love that movie. In fact, I loved it so much the first time, I went to see it again. I can't wait until the DVD comes out. Because I am definitely going to buy it. 

This movie makes me absolutely happy. It's so cheerful and funny. I love Olaf. He is my favourite character. Sven as well. 

Anna: I'm Anna.

Olaf: And who's the funky-looking donkey over there?

Anna: That's Sven.

Olaf: Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer?

Anna: [confused] ... Sven.

Olaf: Oh, they're bo - Oh! Ok. Makes things easier for me.

I absolutely love all of the parts where Olaf is cast. 

Olaf

"It is not nice to throw people!" 

Anna

Enjoy this song :) 

Let It Go

Happiness is...

Happiness is.... getting sweet kisses from my two year old nephew. This is the first time he has ever given me kisses. My nephew is the sweetest, most adorable, and most handsome little man I have ever met. Of course, when it comes to my nephews, they're the only adorable babies.

Happiness is.... making my 4 month old nephew laugh and coo at his Auntie while she calls him super cute names.

Happiness is.... taking pictures of beautiful moments, such as my pets, the sunset, my nephews.

Happiness is.... knowing that your friends are nearby and are ready to give help when you need it.

Happiness is.... helping your friends when they are down and sad. Being there for them.

Happiness is.... you knowing everything will be ok.

A Rocket to the Moon - Ever Enough

Heartbreak

This post isn't about me or for me. It's for my very good friend. We're going to call her L. A few days ago, her family had to put down their sweet cat, Honey. I never met him personally, but I know how hard it is to lose a loved pet. 

I just want to tell my friend that I know it hurts and it's very painful to lose him, but you can know that he isn't suffering anymore and is in a better place. You will never forget the pain of losing your pet, but the pain will get better and you will be able to move on. You will have memories of your sweet cat and think back and remember all the fun times you had playing with him and him loving up to you. Knowing you, I know he had an amazing life. 

I love you and I hope your pain goes away soon!

I Miss You - Avril Lavigne 

Empty

"Tried to take a picture. Of love.

  Tried to write a letter. In ink.

  It's been getting better, I think.

  I got a piece of paper. But it's empty...."

Do you ever feel that you try too hard, but you are filled with nothing instead? Doing the best you can at finding a job, at pleasing others... But nothing ever works.

That's how I feel sometimes. Trying too hard has it's downfalls. Because you don't always succeed and you feel like you're a failure. I know I feel this way a lot of the time. Finding a job is hard, especially if no one is hiring. Your family tells you that you need to find a job and not sit around all day, but what if they tried to look for a job? What would their results be? Probably very similar to mine.

I feel empty inside. I feel nothing. Except for sadness and tears. And broken. But I'm going to counseling, I shouldn't feel this way, I think. But no, a counselor can't change the way you feel when you think about your past. I know, I know, I should think about my present and future and be positive. But. Did you have my childhood? No. So I can't help but think about my past. Sure I'm adopted and have a father and mother. But in reality, I'm fatherless and motherless. My birth father committed suicide a few days after I turned 18 and my birth mother is nowhere to be found. I don't think she would be too happy if she found out that my sister and I are fine and alive. I don't even know if she ever thinks about us. I do wonder - does she remember that she has two daughters? Who were taken away from her because of the very bad choices she decided were more important than her own children.

I don't know what I would say to my birth mom if I ever saw her. I'd most likely ask the questions such as, "Why did you do this? Why weren't we important to you?" "What happened?"

What's your story? What's your pain? This is mine.

The Click Five - Empty 

Still in Love

So many of us are still in love with someone that they had to let go. Because the person didn't want you or because he/she was afraid of hurting you so they said that they don't want to be your friend. Or maybe because you said something wrong without meaning to. And regretted it.

I met him last year. Actually, I needed money for gas for my car and my friend and I called him and I asked him if I could borrow $20. And that's when I officially met him. I'd seen him once before at my friend and her boyfriend's house. Anyway, he lent me $20 and that's when we started hanging out. We went to his friend's house and I listened to them play on guitars and drums and the piano. I played on the piano sometimes, but since I didn't know anything by memory, I only played a few small things. Sometimes I made up the notes as I went along. It was lots of fun. Other times he would record me saying something and then I would have to make him erase the recording - because, like most everyone, I hated hearing myself on a recorder.

He told me he really liked me. But he was going through a terrible time in his life - a divorce. Only 23 and already going through a divorce. I felt bad. He was depressed a lot and I tried to bring just a little bit of joy to him every time I saw him. I believe that if it wasn't for the divorce in his life, that we might have been a couple. But I don't know. Unfortunately, he was drunk when he asked me if he could be my boyfriend. I should have said, "Ask me when you're sober." But I didn't. I said of course. It was around this time that we kinda drifted apart. I rarely heard from him and when I did he told me he was ok and that I shouldn't worry. But I did worry. He was going through so much. I told him I cared and I wanted to help. But he said that I didn't know him well enough to care. But I did. I cared.

I never saw him again. I texted him once in a while. And sometimes I would get a reply, other times it would be weeks before I heard from him. Finally my friend told me that he doesn't want to be friends with me any more, that it's probably awkward for him to see me and that I should move on and not waste any more time on him. That it wasn't worth it. So I did. I stopped texting him. I've tried to stop thinking about him, but it's hard not being able to think about someone.

this song relates to me soo much 

Alone

Everyone feels alone every single day.

Which is why I am writing tonight - I really should be going to bed, but I'm not tired and I don't want to sleep. Ever since I was adopted in 2005, my parents, mostly my mom has sheltered me from life. I was home schooled and never had many friends. The only friends I had were from my church, but they've all moved away to different states and are going to college. And I'm here. Living with my dad. Yes, my parents divorced about two years ago, when I was 18 almost 19. My youngest sister lives with my mom, but I wish she lived with my dad, because I get lonely being here by myself every single day.
I spend most of my time on my laptop watching movies or listening to music. I'm 20 and don't even have a real job - I'm just a nanny to a family of 4 kids and I don't work for them very often.

I wish I could go live in Portland and go to college and live out my dream. But I don't have money to get an appt and I have so many chiropractic bills - I feel like I'm drowning.

So many things are wrong with me. I always hurt myself - not on purpose. I'm very accident/injury prone and have been in a few car accidents and other accidents and have left me in a lot of physical pain. I've been to a chiropractor and a physical therapist, but there's just so much they can do and they don't heal back problems.

It's kinda sad... I've never even had a proper boyfriend. One, but he lasted only about two weeks and he was the one who dumped me. I never even did anything wrong to deserve to get dumped. He just took a coward's way out by saying that he needed to get his life on the right track. About a month later he is in a relationship with someone else and I'm just left hanging. Guys are jerks. At least some of them. I have yet to meet a guy who is really nice and kind and actually tries to do the right thing. And communicates. Communication is very important to me. I hate hearing things from other people. It's just not polite.

I'm going to try and post at least once a day. I'm just letting off steam - even though I'm not really angry, just lonely and in need to talk about my feelings. I never talk about my feelings. Oh and I don't like people much. Or at least I don't like crowds. I get a little nervous when there are soo many people around me. This world is a little too big.

Good night to you all and hope you feel less lonesome knowing there are people just like you and me.