Lost Connection

Have you guys ever been unable to connect your body, mind and soul as one? I feel out of place in my own mind and I can't seem to figure out what is going on.

Even as I am trying to write this blog post, I am unable to connect myself and concentrate. It may be because I am extremely burnt out and out of energy. I had to take a muscle relaxer and a pain pill due to severe muscle knots in my back making it extremely uncomfortable. I'm looking to schedule a massage appointment to relax and possibly reconnect.

I'm going to drive up to the coast tomorrow and spend some much needed alone time, think and find inner peace.

I guess, that's it for now, seeing as how I'm unable to figure myself out at the moment.

Find your inner peace, guys. Find it and keep it. Remember, that you are all unique in your own way and that someone out there loves you for who you are. Don't give up and love deeply.

Surviving

But guys. Ok, so today I went back to the very beginning of this blog and I read each and everyone one of my posts and I had to laugh at myself at how so naive I was. I mean, OMG! Looking back has made me realise how much I've grown as a person and how much better my life has gotten through so much bullcrap that I have been through and survived. Blog readers - I survived!! That is a major thing for me, cause as many of you know, I have depression issues and they used to get so bad that I didn't want to get out of bed on some days and other days I felt like I needed to drive off a cliff.

So a shout-out to everyone who has been a great and positive part in my life throughout the last few years.

A New Beginning

Hey guys. Long time no see.. err, blog? I don't know the word I'm looking for, but it's been a WHILE. Sowwwyyyy :( 

BUT! So many things have happened since the last time that I wrote - I have to tell you all about it!

First things first. Remember my "amazing", "awesome", "handsome" bf? Yeah, well he's an a**hole. And I should have realised that so much sooner than I did, but it took us breaking up and having to live in the same place (unfortunately) and him still fighting with me "trying to fix me" because I had an "addiction" to playing a certain video game most of the night even though my new job... (yes, I found a job, FINALLY!) ((and I've been there for just about a year; I will be celebrating my one year anniversary on the 30th of this month, yay!))

... Anyway's, where was I? Oh, right, he was "trying to fix" my video game "addiction". I was working strictly nights (11pm-8am) and after sleeping all day after work I wasn't tired and of course on my days/nights off what was I to do but play video games? I mean, what is there to do in the town I live at, during the night? Absolutely nothing. I didn't have an addiction though. Sure, I spent hours at a time playing, but I always went to bed when I got tired and I still did things outside the game - I spent time with family, I went to places. My so - called "addiction" wasn't that. I told my ex that he needed to fix himself and his drinking addiction before attempting to fix someone else who didn't need fixing. One night, things got so bad that after defending myself, he threatened to shoot me in the face if I ever did that again. In no hell's way was I about to stand while he hit me and do nothing. In the morning, I packed some of my things and took the xbox and headed to my dad's house. I was going to file a restraining order on the douche, but since it was the weekend, there was nothing I could do until the court opened. First thing on Monday, though I filed the restraining order, the judge saw me, heard my story and granted it to me! I was so relieved and thankful. All I had to wait for is for my ex to be served, so that I could move back in and start fresh. It took a few days to a week for him to be served, but once he did it was a glorious day!

That restraining order is still in effect and will be until Dec. Thankfully, I have not seen or heard from him since.

Other good things have happened to me since then, and one of them was becoming friends with one of the best people that I know. A shout to S.M. for being there for me during my most difficult times and my happy times. I'm incredibly thankful to have had met you and to have you in my life. I also want to say... the bad things? They're there only for a short period of time and the good stuff always overcomes everything uneventful. Love you always! 

Also, my great friend, A moved in with me and it's been going great. We want to move to a different place where we don't have to listen to GIANT elephant-like creatures living up above us that walk so loudly that sometimes I'm afraid that they'll fall through the ceiling. Haha ha. Oh.

Guys, it's late and I have to wrap it up, but I'll try to write more often now that things are going much better for me. Au Revoir!

Sunshine of Heavenly Blue Skies

Hello blog readers. It's been a while since I've written, but ever since April 10th, I haven't really been ready to talk about my beautiful cat, Sunshine.

A tragedy happened on April 10. Earlier that day, I had been out with my sister and nephews walking around Costco. When I came back to my dad's house, my boyfriend had just come off work and was waiting to go to dinner with me. As we were walking towards his car, we both noticed my cat, Sunny lying on the ground. She looked like she was taking a nap and I didn't think anything of it, except it being a weird place for her to sleep. We got in the car and I said, "Silly girl". But my boyfriend wasn't as amused as I was. He thought something was wrong, so he got out of the car and went to check on her. He was there only for a few seconds before he came back to the car and said, "your cat is dead, honey." I didn't believe him and told him he was lying. But he looked very serious when he once again said that my cat really was dead. I got out of the car and started walking towards her, but I barely made it halfway before he stopped me. When I saw her lying so still on the ground, I screamed and almost collapsed on the ground. He caught me and held me up. I could barely breathe, I was crying so hard.

After a few minutes, he took my into my dad's house and sat me down on the couch/bed. Then he went into the office and told my dad what had happened. They both went outside and after a few minutes I went to my dad's room and watched out the window where they were burying her under a lilac bush.

After they were done, my boyfriend came in and asked me if I wanted to say good - bye. I went outside and sat there for about an hour. I told her that she meant the world to me and I would never forget her. I told her I would miss her every single day.

I took this picture earlier that day before she died. 

Ever since April 10th, I've had a very hard time dealing with the death of my beautiful Sunshine. She was my everything, she knew all my secrets and was always there for me in all of my sad and happy moments. To have had her torn away from me so suddenly shattered my heart into pieces and it's taking a long time to put them back together.

 Every now and then I feel that she is around me. But I know that she will never be more than a heartbeat away.

I love you my Sunshine. I always will.

Sunshine of Heavenly Blue Skies

I dedicate this song to my princess.

You deserve this and so much more.

In Loving Memory

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't written in a while :( I haven't been feeling up to writing anything, not even my blog or school papers.

To update since my last post, I have changed my career options and instead of going for a lawyer, I'm going to become a social worker for children. I feel that because of my situation during my childhood, I can relate to children much more with what they are going through, feeling and thinking. Children deserve the best of what we can give them. And if we can't give them what they need, it might be best to find someone who would be able to. 

Right now I'm taking just one class - Crisis Assessment, Intervention and Prevention. I was taking Sociology too, but unfortunately I had to drop out because I wasn't doing so well. I wasn't as prepared for the class as I thought I was. 

Next term, (which is at the end of March), I'm going to be taking Writing, Community Resource and Ethics and Law. Funny thing - I am going to have the same teacher for CR and Ethics and Law as I did for Psychology! I liked the teacher and I'm glad that I get to have her again. 

A year ago at the end of January was the one year anniversary of my boyfriend and I. Yes, yes, we are still together! :) We have great times together, and to be honest some bad. But that doesn't change how I feel about him and how much I love him. 

I still haven't found a job :( I have applied at so many, but only got one interview and they never called back after the first interview. It feels hopeless to even search for a job sometimes, especially with no car or driver's license. It's much harder, I'll tell you that! 

I have some sad news to tell you too :'( A few days before Christmas my grandma died. About a month later, my grandfather passed away as well. And then on the 28th of Feb, my dad's dog had to be put to sleep because he had arthritis in his front right leg and cancer in his hind right leg. Let's just say that the past few months have been (excuse my language) shitty as hell. 

Just a few days ago, I talked to my Russian uncle, cousin and aunt. I miss them so much it hurts. And I miss my great-aunt even more because I don't get to see her or talk to her as often as I do with my uncle, and with my uncle I hadn't talked to in almost a year. He told me that the next time they go to visit her, that he will try to set up a skype video call on his cell phone. I hope that it will work and that I will get to talk to her. Just thinking about it is making me tear up because I want to see her and feel her so much and so bad!! It's not fair!!!!!!! 

In other news, I have been going to physical therapy for my back so that I can get settlement money from the other drivers' car insurance when I was in that one accident in 2013. I am hoping to get a significant amount of money, which will help me pay for all the bills that have been accumulated over the past few years as well as get a  hardship permit so that I can drive to school instead of having to depend on other people.

I miss my little sister, it wasn't right of my mom to send her away from me. Feels like my sister was too much of a burden for her so that my mom could spend time with her fiance. A lot of the time I feel like she doesn't care what is going on in her daughters' lives. I feel like that if I had a really horrible day, she wouldn't know about it because she doesn't ask - and if she asks about something, it's always about something that she wants to benefit her and not us. Oh well. It's better not to dwell on that too much. 

October

I guess you could call it full adult hood, because on the 7th of October, I'm turning 21. I'm absolutely excited and simply can't wait till the 7th!! But it's only a few more days - gotta be patient :)

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a long time. I know you guys like to read my posts and I have no excuses except for just not wanting to write. Not because I was busy, but I didn't really know what to write.

It's the end of September. And for my boyfriend and me that means that we have been together for 9 months. We've had our good times and the bad times, and through them all, we have grown closer to each other and grown stronger as a couple. I love him very much and would do anything for him.

I also can't wait till Christmas, because that's when my sister comes back from N. Dakota for a break. I miss her like crazy and am counting the days till Christmas.

Lately, I've been having really bad luck with finding a job :( I'm hoping to get one soon though, because it'll give me something to do during the day. I'm also going to start one class tomorrow evening - it's only on Tuesdays from 5 -8pm. I'm taking psychology and hopefully it won't be too hard.

By the way! A few weeks ago, I made my own recipe of twice baked potatoes and my boyfriend absolutely loved them and said that they were the best baked potatoes he has ever eaten. I'm going to post the recipe on here so you guys can try them out.


Twice Baked Potatoes

You're going to need:

 3-6 baking potatoes. (More if you're making it for a big family)
Bacon
Sour cream
Onion(s)
Green onions
Parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper to taste

Scrub the potatoes in running water, washing away all the dirt, poke them with a fork on each side and bake them in the oven at 425F. Bake them for about 45 minutes (or longer depending on the size of the potato). You might need to pierce them with a knife to see if they are soft inside.

While the potatoes are baking, dice up your onion. Put it in the frying pan (with no oil). After the onions, cut up the bacon - first lengthwise and then in small pieces widthwise. Add it to the onions. Turn on the stove and sauté them together, adding black pepper.

While the onions and the bacon are cooking, cut up a bunch of green onions and add it to a medium sized mixing bowl. Add about 2 cups of sour cream. You might need more after you add potatoes.

The onions and the bacon should be done by now - you can add them in the mixing bowl.

Once the potatoes are done, let them cool a little bit before you cut them in half lengthwise. Carefully, without breaking the skin, scoop out the potato and mix it with the rest of the ingredients. You might have to mash the potatoes a bit so that it's easier to mix.

Now you are ready to put the potato filling back in the potato skins. Make sure that you have enough potato mixture to fill all of the skins. Put the potatoes on a baking sheet, sprinkle cheese over them and bake them for another 20 - 25 minutes.

Enjoy!!

I'm Not Sure What to Call This Post

Love my title? :) I tried to think of a title, but couldn't come up with one. Had to write something in there!

Anyways, a few days ago, I talked to one my Russian aunts. I was on the Russian facebook type site, and she messaged me and we talked for about an hour. I was so glad to hear from her - a big relief that everything was fine. I told her that we need to skype tomorrow - at my younger sister's birthday party. My sister is going to be turning 17 on the 23rd of this month, but since she's leaving for school in a week, we're celebrating early. She's going all the way to North Dakota to finish her last year of high school. I know for sure that I'm going to miss her. It's soo far away!

I really don't have much else to talk about, so I'll just leave it at this. Good night!